Why I Stopped Praying for My Future Husband

Now before you get all up in a tizzy, let me explain that I’m not ignorantly refusing to pray for God’s hand and blessing over my future. In fact, no longer praying for my future husband is part of how I am surrendering the days and years (God willing) ahead of me to His purpose.

My whole life, I have never seen a complete, satisfying future for myself apart from being a wife. All of my mental images of what adult life and growing older would look like involved being a wife and mother. From a young age, I knew that I had this desire to be a wife, and I talked myself into believing that God would not give me such a desire without fulfilling it. However, that belief was not based in biblical truth. Rather, it was birthed out of my dire longing to hold onto the idol of marriage, an idol that had seeped its way into my heart through church culture, movies, and the incompletion I felt in being single. Correction: the incompletion I still feel in being single.

I do believe that God gives us certain desires. However, I don’t think that every desire of our heart is God-ordained or destined to happen just because of its strength. God doesn’t promise me a husband, children, a satisfying job, or a house. I refuse to buy into the idea that “God has someone special planned for you. One day you’ll meet a man who will love you for who you are.” I might. But that man, just like tomorrow, is not something God has promised me. What does he promise me? Steadfast love. Eternal life. Forgiveness of everything I’ve ever done wrong. Grace upon grace upon grace. Who am I to ask for more?

You see, wanting a husband is not an inherently wrong desire. God said it is not good for man to be alone, and I don’t think He wants me to be alone either. But I’m not ignorant enough to think that the only way He provides for me not to be alone is through marriage. He has given me friends, and His body, the church, not to mention the fact that He never leaves my side. Being without marriage does not equal being alone.

And even though desiring marriage is not inherently wrong, it does not mean that such a desire is exempt from sinfulness. In my past, I have felt that my life would not be complete if I never married. This means that I have been given more than I could ever imagine through God’s sacrificial gift of His Son, and yet I am unsatisfied with Christ alone. That realization has made me sick. I have prioritized my longing to find a lifelong earthly companion over serving the One in whom all my joys may be found. If I cannot see a future without a husband, then do I really love Jesus as much as I claim to? Am I really satisfied with the promises that He has given me?  Do I really trust Him to give me everything that I need (and trust that when He does not give me what I want, He still has my best interest at heart)?

“The Lord is my shepherd; [therefore] I shall not want.” Psalm 23:1

In Christ I have everything, therefore I have no need for anything else.

If I never marry, then I have everything I need in Christ.

If I marry, then I have everything I need in Christ.

It has been this recent realization that has led me to address my idolatry of relationships and marriage. God may not give me a husband, and then what? Will I be angry? If He gives me a husband, what a blessing. If He doesn’t give me a husband, what a blessing. His blessing is not determined by His giving me what I want. Praise the Lamb, God does not dole out his goodness in the ways that I think He should. He knows what I need far better than I do, and His blessings are far greater than anything I can dream up. And if Him denying me marriage is what it takes for me to realize that my satisfaction must be found in Him, then I shall thank Him a thousand times for not enabling my idolatry-twisted set of priorities.

So, to finally address the title: I no longer pray for my future husband, simply because I do not know if he exists. I pray that God will put people in my life that will point me toward Him, and I pray that He will give me wisdom in discerning which relationships, romantic or otherwise, should be pursued. I pray that He will humble me and use me in the lives of those around me and those I will encounter in the future. And I pray that IF God wills for me to marry one day, that I would still put Him first above all else, and that such a relationship would be a reflection of His love for the church.

But my prayers don’t sound like they used to. They don’t sound like, “God, give me a godly man who loves you. Help him to lead me spiritually. Be with him in whatever struggles he faces. And help me to trust your timing in bringing a husband to me.” These prayers were desperate pleas for my perfect husband covered in the guise of asking for God’s will.

And so, in rewiring my heart to be more Christ-centered and less focused on what I want for my future, I have chosen to reorient my prayer life, as well as my thought life, toward how God can use me right where I am. Instead of trusting that He’ll bring me a godly husband in His perfect timing, I trust that He will be sufficient for me no matter what my future holds. It is a daily – make that hourly – struggle to surrender my life and my future to His will, but I think it’s a battle worth fighting. I pray for contentment in my current stage of life, and I pray that God will continue to remind me that in Him I can find true joy, love, comfort, and peace.

I’m not there yet, but I trust that one day I will be, so long as I press into Him and trust in His goodness.

“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3

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2 thoughts on “Why I Stopped Praying for My Future Husband

  1. Pingback: Chapter Retreat: Idols of the Heart | InterVarsity @ CNU

  2. I share (although I’m a male) in your feeling, because I too have prayed for many years for God to send me the right lady to be my wife, and years go by and
    the Lord seems to not answer my prayers. I’ ve come to the point where I’ve started to wonder if it’s God’s will for me to marry at all. But I know this deep
    feeling of one day becoming a dad and a husband is a genuine desire that comes from the bottom of my heart, so that reassures me that that is the way for
    me to follow in life and that God has certainly put it there. There’ s nothing that will make me happier than one of these days forming a wonderful, loving
    family with that lady that is somewhere walking on this earth out there right now, perhaps in a place faraway from me. I believe that these blessings are
    out there waiting for someone valiant, courageous and daring to go get them. I’ve come to realize that God has wonderful blessings for us who love and
    serve him, but these blessings are sooo goood that God requires us to do some (and sometimes a lot) struggling, some work and a true effort! I believe
    God’s blessings are worth the fight, thus, they don’t come in an easy way. One must struggle, one must persevere, one must fight hard and not give up,
    no matter how impossible it may look like! I’ve waited years for the woman of my life and still today I’ve not yet met her. But it is also true that the ones
    I see all around me day by day are definitely not her. And she is one woman in millions and millions. I know that from the hundreds and hundreds of cars
    that drive by in those highways out there, she must be driving one, perhaps! And they are way too many. In other words, there are still thousands of persons
    out there who remain unknown to me. Actually, more than I can count. One has got to be her! I definitely don’t loose faith ! God is so great that he does
    give us the desires of our hearts, but when there is something definitely toooo gooood involved, like the ones he loves giving and keeping in store for
    those who are very loyal to him, he definitely tests and prepares them in order to bring out the very best in them so that once they receive that which
    is too good, they know how to keep it and not loose it easily or fall pray to the shrewd traps the enemies set in the way for the children of the blessing
    to loose and spoil the blessing. Definitely God has to mature us and make us grow in order to bring the best of the best he has in hold for us. I don’ t
    loose the hope that my blessing in a wife is somewhere out there, still. I encourage you to keep up the fight and not give up! I know from personal
    experience, how discouraged he must also be at not yet meeting his one, that is, you!!! For good women who fear the Lord, there are good men
    who equally fear him. I’ve been discouraged and disturbed sooo many times for sooo many years, but when I see what’ s out there, I definitely know
    the one that satisfies my heart is not there. Way no!!! I also did not envision my future other than being a husband and a dad and a good provider.
    And I still do not envision it otherwise. The desire to form a family is not idolatry at all, but a biblical mandate given to men and women in the beggining
    by God. That desire must be pursued and nurtured within our hearts, but it also has to lead us to God, and thus, it is not necessarily sinful, when it
    comes to marriage intimacy. I do feel God has a husband for you as I equally feel He has a wife for me, and for many others who like you and I have
    this deep longing to start a family. My family has always been a beautiful one, but we are deeply rooted in Christ, since my mother brought us up in
    a deeply close relationship with Jesus, Mary, Holy Mass and prayer. My childhood home has always been a home of the Holy Spirit and I can tell
    you that beautiful families, beautiful couples do exist and can and will be formed if they are deeply rooted in the Lord. This dream is possible and
    those of us who deeply desire it are destined to be great couples and great parents, have no doubt about it !! The decision to marry and find a
    husband is entirely yours. You should be working on it actively and continue to do so. But ask God, as I do, to deign himself help you find a very
    good gentleman. For example, opening this blog was a wonderful move of yours, as godly men are browsing the web trying to find a godly lady
    just like you, and in doing so, they will come across this site and read your story, just as I did. And perhaps this is the means by which the right
    man for you will finally meet you. And as you look for your Mr. Right, prepare yourself to be that mother and that wife you so much desire. I prepare
    daily to become the right husband to my future wife. I’m preparing my home, I’m working on starting a business enterprise, I volunteer with some
    organizations I would like my children to grow in close contact with in order for them to derive the best influence possible that will keep them from
    choosing the wrong path or letting themselves being defeated by the traps and unexpected turns of life, just as I help myself overcome low blows
    dealt to me with the good influence and quality relationships I’ve been able to form in these organizations. I keep buying books on how to treat
    my future wife during pregnancy and keep doing whole series of things I want to have ready when I finally be carrying the responsability of a
    wife and children. I am preparing now! I’m definitely taking it seriously! I know it is a decision which is mine, but I humbly pray to Lord to deign
    himself put something in my way that would allow me to find her. And I’m serious at it! No doubt! You can do the same, if you wush! Let God
    see how serious you are about what you’re asking for.

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